Articles

Jennifer Yates, MFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Check out my blog at http://blog.jenniferyatesmft.com

Your Subtitle text

Why Can’t We Communicate?
“Rapport Talk” vs. “Report Talk”

As we all know, men and women are vastly different. Physically, emotionally, in the way we accomplish tasks and definitely in the way we communicate. I believe, and research agrees, that the most common pitfall between men and women is their inability to communicate effectively with one another, leading to arguments and eventually the dissolution of many relationships or marriages.

Women talk to become closer and more intimate, to bond or to share, and feel that connections are built upon such communication. Hence the term, “rapport talk”. Men, on the other hand, tend to build intimacy through physical connection, through problem solving, and through feeling appreciated. When men communicate, it is often to talk about their work day or to convey information, hence the term “report talk”.

A good example is how women talk to their girlfriends about their troubles. Not necessarily to get answers or a solution to their problem, but to “get it off their chest”, and to feel supported. The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns.

The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue, as the boys he knew always did. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate.

So what is there to do? For women:

1. If your partner is quiet or not talking much, don’t take it personally. There may not be anything to share at this moment in time, and that should be ok.

2. Typically, a man says what he means. Don’t try to analyze what he is saying, just take it at face value or ask for clarification.

3. Problem-solving is one of things men do best, and it makes them feel good about themselves. If your partner attempts to solve your problems, try to listen and say thank you. If you don’t want advice and just want him to listen, then preface your conversation with that fact.

4. Don’t expect that your partner knows what you are feeling. Express it to him and ask for what you need.

For men:

1. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are sharing something with you. Try your best to listen without an intent to respond, but simply with the intent to understand.

2. Try not to immediately attempt and solve your partner’s problem. Offer consolation and support, and ask first if she wants your advice.

3. Validate your partner’s feelings. Try hearing what the emotion is rather than what the story is about.

4. If you find that your partner is complaining or “nagging” about something, try and use language that promotes more positive communication such as, “it seems like you are angry”, rather than stewing about it or becoming defensive.

We can learn to appreciate and accept each other’s differences with an open heart, and willingness to love and trust our partner. Good communication can take a lot of work, but like anything, with practice, can become a greatly honed skill.

Contact Jennifer today to find out how therapy can help you.

"The road of life twists and turns and no two turns are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination."
Don Williams, Jr.

Body Image and Self-Esteem

How do you see yourself when you look in the mirror? What do you believe about your own appearance? Are you constantly comparing your body to people you see in the media, or even at work, school, etc.? How do you feel about your body, including your height, weight and shape? Can you name parts of your body that you like or are you constantly focusing on the parts you don’t like?

Body image concerns among women, men, teenagers and even children has risen dramatically over the last 30 years. There are two main culprits for this type of dissatisfaction with one’s appearance. The media and how we were raised as children.

Media Manipulation
The media pushes an unnatural body type, making it difficult for us to accept natural beauty.

The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.

Sadly, the media influences children as well. 42% of elementary school students between the 1st and 3rd grades want to be thinner. 80% of children who are ten years old are afraid of being fat. 51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet.

Why does the media pose such an unrealistic view of how we “should” look? The roots, some analysts say, are economic. By presenting an ideal difficult to achieve and maintain, the cosmetic and diet product industries are assured of growth and profits. Also, our society reveres celebrities and most of them fit into this unrealistic body type.

Childhood Cornerstones
The second reason for body-image issues is related to the way that we were brought up. If one OF your parents, both of your parents or any type of caregiver were overly critical of you, then chances are you formed a negative opinion of yourself early. Self-esteem is the cornerstone of how we feel about ourselves IN ADDITION TO how we interact with others. In other words, all of our relationships are affected by the way we feel about ourselves, our self-worth, and our self-love.

I am sure you have either known someone or experienced being in a relationship that did not feel right. Let’s pretend it’s you. Maybe you have been drawn to someone emotionally or physically abusive. Why did you stay in that relationship? There was a part of you, maybe somewhere deep down, that did not think you could do any better. Or maybe you believed that the person would change. That type of thinking stems from negative messages we have about ourselves we received as children, teenagers, and even as adults.

Loving Yourself First
Have you heard the old adage in order to love someone you must first love yourself? Well, it is true. To believe you are a beautiful human being based on your strengths, your ability to love and to care, to be a good friend or wife or son, or simply a good person, is to believe in yourself and all of your possibilities.

When negative body image stems from a less than perfect childhood (we all had one!), then it might be beneficial to seek counseling. If you find yourself obsessing over your body or appearance because you are constantly comparing yourself to others or those in the media, counseling might also be helpful.

There are some things you can do right now to help increase feelings of self-esteem:

* Engage in physical activity -- Play tennis, go for a jog, dance around in your room to your favorite song.

* You are so lucky to have a healthy, strong functional body -- wear some of your favorite clothes; Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in and make you happy.

* Treat your body -- Paint your toenails, get a massage, or simply sit down and put your feet up; your body works hard for you each day and sometimes you forget to appreciate it.

* Mentally list at least three qualities and talents about which you are proud.

* Think of the reasons you like your friends -- They probably do not have anything to do with their appearance, and neither are the reasons that your friends like you.

* Make plans with a friend that you have been meaning to catch up with to go for a walk or a cup of coffee.

* Take the step to tackle a long-term project – You have been putting it off...whether it is cleaning your room or signing up for a pottery class, there is no better time than right now.

* Think of your favorite body part and focus on why you like it.

* Take a few moments for deep breathing and relaxation -- You can do this sitting waiting for class to start or on a bench outside; inhale deeply through your nose for a count of five, filling your lungs with cool air and positive energy, and then exhale slowly through your mouth.

And remember, you are extraordinary.

Jennifer Yates comes with over 10 years of experience in working with adults, parents, couples, and teens. She has experience in various settings including outpatient, residential treatment, addictions facilities, and hospitals.