Jennifer Yates, MFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Check out my blog at http://blog.jenniferyatesmft.com
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Why Can’t We Communicate?
“Rapport Talk” vs. “Report Talk”
As we all know, men and women are vastly different. Physically, emotionally, in the way we accomplish tasks and definitely in the way we communicate. I believe, and research agrees, that the most common pitfall between men and women is their inability to communicate effectively with one another, leading to arguments and eventually the dissolution of many relationships or marriages.
Contact Jennifer today to find out how therapy can help you.
Women talk to become closer and more intimate, to bond or to share, and feel that connections are built upon such communication. Hence the term, “rapport talk”. Men, on the other hand, tend to build intimacy through physical connection, through problem solving, and through feeling appreciated. When men communicate, it is often to talk about their work day or to convey information, hence the term “report talk”.
A good example is how women talk to their girlfriends about their troubles. Not necessarily to get answers or a solution to their problem, but to “get it off their chest”, and to feel supported. The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns.
The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue, as the boys he knew always did. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate.
The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue, as the boys he knew always did. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate.
So what is there to do? For women:
1. If your partner is quiet or not talking much, don’t take it personally. There may not be anything to share at this moment in time, and that should be ok.
2. Typically, a man says what he means. Don’t try to analyze what he is saying, just take it at face value or ask for clarification.
3. Problem-solving is one of things men do best, and it makes them feel good about themselves. If your partner attempts to solve your problems, try to listen and say thank you. If you don’t want advice and just want him to listen, then preface your conversation with that fact.
4. Don’t expect that your partner knows what you are feeling. Express it to him and ask for what you need.
For men:
1. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are sharing something with you. Try your best to listen without an intent to respond, but simply with the intent to understand.
2. Try not to immediately attempt and solve your partner’s problem. Offer consolation and support, and ask first if she wants your advice.
3. Validate your partner’s feelings. Try hearing what the emotion is rather than what the story is about.
4. If you find that your partner is complaining or “nagging” about something, try and use language that promotes more positive communication such as, “it seems like you are angry”, rather than stewing about it or becoming defensive.
We can learn to appreciate and accept each other’s differences with an open heart, and willingness to love and trust our partner. Good communication can take a lot of work, but like anything, with practice, can become a greatly honed skill.
Contact Jennifer today to find out how therapy can help you.
"The road of life twists and turns and no two turns are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination."
Don Williams, Jr.
Jennifer Yates comes with over 10 years of experience in working with adults, parents, couples, and teens. She has experience in various settings including outpatient, residential treatment, addictions facilities, and hospitals.
